Concerning The President Personally.

Some one was smoking in the presence of the President and complimented him on having new vices, neither drinking nor smoking.  “That is a doubtful compliment,” answered the President; “I recollect once being outside a stage in Illinois and a man sitting by me offered me a segar.  I told him I had no vices.  He said nothing, smoked for some time, and then grunted out, “It’s my experience that folks who have no vices have plagued few virtues.”

The President is rather fain of his height, but one day a young man called on him who was certainly three inches taller than the former; he was like the mathematical definition of the straight line—length without breadth.  “Really,” said Mr. Lincoln, “I must look up to you, if you ever get in a deep place you ought to be able to wade out.”  That reminds us of the story told of Mr. Lincoln somewhere when a crowd called him out.  He came out with his wife on the balcony (who is somewhat below medium height) and made the following “brief remarks:”—“Here I am and here is Mrs. Lincoln.  That’s the long and short of it.”

SOURCE: New York Daily Herald, New York, New York, Friday, February 19, 1864, p. 5, and copied from the New York Evening Post, New York, New York, Wednesday, February 17, 1864.

A Story For Mr. Bates.

One day when Mr. Bates was remonstrating with Mr. Lincoln against the appointment of some indifferent lawyer to a place of judicial importance, the President interposed with, “Come, now, Bates, he’s not half so bad as you think.  Besides that, I must tell you, he did me a good turn long ago.  When I took to the law, I was going to court one morning, with some ten or twelve miles of bad road before me, and I had no horse.  The Judge overtook me in his wagon.  ‘Hello, Lincoln, are you not going to the court house? Come in, and I’ll give you a seat.’  Well, I got in, and the Judge went on reading his papers.  Presently the wagon struck a stump on one side of the road; then it hopped off to the other  I looked out, and I saw the driver was jerking from side to side in his seat; so, says I, ‘Judge, I think your coachman has been taking a little drop too much this morning.’  ‘Well, I declare, Lincoln,’ said he, ‘I should not much wonder if you are right, for he has nearly upset me half a dozen times since starting.’  So putting his head out of the window, he shouted, ‘Why, you infernal scoundrel, you are drunk!’  Upon which pulling up his horses and turning round with great gravity, the coachman said, ‘By gorra! That’s the first rightful decision you have given for the last twelvemonth.”

SOURCE: New York Daily Herald, New York, New York, Friday, February 19, 1864, p. 5, and copied from the New York Evening Post, New York, New York, Wednesday, February 17, 1864.

A Rebuke To People Asking Trivial Favors.

A Virginia farmer, not over patriotic, probably, importuned the President to use his influence to have a claim for damage done to his farm by soldiers considered immediately.  “Why, my dear sir,” replied Mr. Lincoln blandly, “I couldn’t think of such a thing.  If I considered individual cases, I should find work enough for twenty Presidents”  “But,” said the persevering sufferer, “couldn’t you just give me a line to Colonel —— about it, just one line?”  “Ha, ha, ha!” responded Old Abe, “you remind me of old Jock Chase out in Illinois.”  At this the crowd huddled forward to listen.  “You see Jock—I knew him like a brother—used to be a lumberman on the Illinois, and he was steady and sober, and the best raftsman on the river.  It was quite a trick twenty-five years ago to take the logs over the rapids; but he was skillful with a raft and always kept her straight in the channel.  Finally a steamboat was put on, and Jock—he’s dead now, poor fellow—was made captain of her.  He always used to take the wheel going through the rapids.  One day, when the boat was plunging and wallowing along the boiling current, and Jock’s utmost vigilance was being exercised to keep here in the narrow channel, a boy pulled his coat tail and hailed him with “Say, Mister captain!  I wish you’d just stop your boat a minute—I’ve lost my apple overboard!”

SOURCE: New York Daily Herald, New York, New York, Friday, February 19, 1864, p. 5, and copied from the New York Evening Post, New York, New York, Wednesday, February 17, 1864.

Inquisitiveness Nonplussed.

Mr. Lincoln as a very effective way sometimes of dealing with men who trouble him with questions.  Some body asked him how many men the rebels had in the field.  He replied very seriously, “Twelve hundred thousand, according to the best authority.”  The interrogator blanched in the face, and ejaculated, “My God”  “Yes, sir; twelve hundred thousand—no doubt of it.  You see, all of our generals, when they get whipped, say the enemy outnumbers them from three or five to one, and I must believe them.  We have four hundred thousand men in the field, and three times four makes twelve.  Don’t you see it?”  The inquisitive man looked for his  hat soon after “seeing it.”

When the Sherman expedition which captured Port Royal was fitting out, there was great curiosity to learn where it had gone.  A person visiting the chief magistrate at the White house importuned him to disclose the destination to him.  “Will you keep it entirely secret?” asked the President.  “Oh, yes, upon my honor.”  “Well,” said the President, “I’ll tell you.”  Assuming an air of great mystery, and drawing the man close to him, he kept him a moment awaiting the revelation with an open mouth and great anxiety.  “Well,” said he in a loud whisper, which was heard all over the room, “the expedition has gone to sea!”

When General Banks was fitting out his expedition to New Orleans it will be remembered that he used to answer all questions as to his destination with great frankness by saying that it was going south.

SOURCE: New York Daily Herald, New York, New York, Friday, February 19, 1864, p. 5, and copied from the New York Evening Post, New York, New York, Wednesday, February 17, 1864.

Concerning Congressmen

It is stated that he was much disgusted at the crowd of officers who some time ago used to loiter about the Washington hotels, and he is reported to have remarked to a member of Congress: “These fellows and the Congressmen do vex me sorely.”

Another member of Congress was conversing with the President, and was somewhat annoyed by the President’s propensity to divert attention from the serious subject he had on his mind by ludicrous allusions.

“Mr. Lincoln,” said he, “I think you would have your joke if you were within a mile of hell.”

“Yes, said the President, “that is about the distance to the capitol.”

When informed that General Stoughton had been captured by the rebels at Fairfax, the President is reported to have said that he did not mind the loss of the brigadier as much as he did the loss of the horses.  “For,” said he, “I can make a much better brigadier in five minutes, but the horses cost one hundred and twenty-five dollars a piece.”

SOURCE: New York Daily Herald, New York, New York, Friday, February 19, 1864, p. 5, and copied from the New York Evening Post, New York, New York, Wednesday, February 17, 1864.

About The Negro Question

The story will be remembered, perhaps, of Mr. Lincoln’s reply to a Springfield (Ill.) clergyman, who asked him what was to be his policy on the slavery question.

“Well, your question is rather a cool one, but I will answer it by telling you a story.  You know Father B. the old Methodist preacher?  and you know Fox river and its freshets?  Well, once in the presence of Father B. a young Methodist was worrying about Fox river, and expressing fears that he should be prevented from fulfilling some of his appointments by a freshet in the river.  Father B. checked him in his gravest manner.  Said he—‘Young man I have always made it a rule in my life not to cross Fox river till I get to it.’ And,” said the President, “I am not going to worry myself over the slavery question till I get to it.”  A few days afterwards a Methodist minister called on the President, and on being presented to him, said simply:—“Mr. President, I have come to tell you that I think we have got to Fox river.”  Mr. Lincoln thanked the clergyman and laughed heartily.

One day, it is said, a distinguished New York official was at Washington, and in an interview with the President, introduced the question of emancipation.  “Well, you see,” said Mr. Lincoln, “we’ve got to be mighty cautious how we manage the negro question.  If we’re not, we shall be like the barber out in Illinois, who was shaving a fellow with a hatchet face and lantern jaws like mine.  The barber put his finger in his customer’s mouth, to make his cheek stick out; but while shaving away he cut through the fellow’s cheek and cut off his own finger.  If we don’t play smart about the negro we shall do as the barber did.”

It is greatly to the credit of the President that he has since unlearned many of his Kentucky prejudices on the subject of freedom, and is now able to do what is just and right.

SOURCE: New York Daily Herald, New York, New York, Friday, February 19, 1864, p. 5, and copied from the New York Evening Post, New York, New York, Wednesday, February 17, 1864.

A Story Concerning a Second Term

A gentleman, it is said, some time ago hinted to the President that it was deemed quite settled that he would accept a renomination for his present office, whereupon Mr Lincoln was reminded of a story of Jesse Dubois, out in Illinois.  Jesse, as State Auditor, had charge of the State House at Springfield.  An itinerant preacher came along and asked the use of it for a lecture.

“On what subject?” asked Jesse

“On the second coming of our Savior,” answered the long-faced Millerite.

“O bosh,” retorted Uncle Jesse testily: “I guess if our Savior had ever been to Springfield, and had got away with his life, he’d be too smart to think of coming back again.”

This, Mr. Lincoln said, was very much his case about the succession.

As a further elucidation of Mr. Lincoln’s estimate of Presidential honors, a story is told of how a supplicant for office of more than ordinary pretensions called upon him, and, presuming on the activity he had shown in behalf of the republican ticket, asserted, as a reason why the office should be given to him, that he had mad Mr. Lincoln President.  “You made me President, did you,” said Mr. Lincoln, with a twinkle of his eye.  “I think I did,” said the applicant.  “Then a precious mess you’ve got me into, that’s all,” replied the President, and closed the discussion.

SOURCE: New York Daily Herald, New York, New York, Friday, February 19, 1864, p. 5, and copied from the New York Evening Post, New York, New York, Wednesday, February 17, 1864.

Presidential Puns

Mr. Lincoln, in his happier moments, is not always reminded of a “little story,” but often indulges in a veritable joke.  One of the latest reported in his remark when he found himself attacked by the varioloid.  He had been recently very much worried by people asking favors.  “Well,” said he, when the contagious disease was coming upon him.  “I’ve got something now that I can give to everybody.”  About the time when there was considerable grumbling as to the delay in forwarding to the troops the money due them, a Western paymaster, in full major attire, was one day introduced at a public reception.  “Being here, Mr. Lincoln,” said he, “I thought I’d call and pay my respects.”  “From the complaints of the soldiers,” responded the President, “I just that’s about all any of you do pay.

It is told by a general correspondent who is probably “reliable” that Mr. Lincoln was walking up Pennsylvania avenue the other day, relating a “little story to Secretary Seward, when the latter called his attention to a new sign bearing the name of “T. R. Strong.”  “Ha!” says Old Abe, his countenance lighting up with a peculiar smile, “T. R. Strong but coffee are stronger.”  Seward smiled, but made no reply We don’t see how he could replay after so atrocious a thing as that.

SOURCE: New York Daily Herald, New York, New York, Friday, February 19, 1864, p. 5, and copied from the New York Evening Post, New York, New York, Wednesday, February 17, 1864.

Diary of Gideon Welles: Friday, February 19, 1864

Am perplexed about charges and specifications against Wilkes. His conduct has been bad, — such as will perhaps break him. I think it might, if pressed to extremes, but I do not wish to be severe. Although insubordinate, disobedient, selfish, arrogant, and imperious towards inferiors, and somewhat insolent to all, I hoped to let him off without a trial. But he would not permit; the more forbearing I was, the more presumptuous and offensive he became, trampling on regulations and making public issue with the Department on false assumptions and misrepresentations. The Navy dislike him and would treat him harshly; I have no malevolence towards him and do not want him punished to the extent he deserves and is liable, but he cannot be permitted to go unrebuked.

As I went into the Cabinet-meeting a fair, plump lady pressed forward and insisted she must see the President, — only for a moment, — wanted nothing. I made her request known to the President, who directed that she should be admitted. She said her name was Holmes, that she belonged in Dubuque, Iowa, was passing East and came from Baltimore expressly to have a look at President Lincoln. “Well, in the matter of looking at one another,” said the President, laughing, “I have altogether the advantage.” She wished his autograph, and was a special admirer and enthusiastic.

SOURCE: Gideon Welles, Diary of Gideon Welles, Secretary of the Navy Under Lincoln and Johnson, Vol. 1: 1861 – March 30, 1864, p. 528