A Contrabandish Idea of War

We were passing along the warves, a few days ago, wondering at the amount of business that was there transacted.  While standing observing a cargo of horses being transferred from a vessel to the store, an “old contraband” appeared at hour elbows, touching his old fur hat, and scraping an enormous foot.  He opened his battery on us with the following:

“Well, boss, how is yer?”

“Pretty well, daddy; how are you?”

“I’se fuss rate, I is.  B’long to Old Burnside’s boys, dos yer?”

“Yes, I belong to that party.  Great boys, aint they?”

“Well I thought yer belonged to dat party.  Great man he is, dat’s sartain.  Yes, sir.”

“We waited and waited; we heard yer was comin, but we mos guv yer up.’Deed jess did; but one morning’ we heard de big guns, way down riber, go bang, bang, bang, and de folks round yer began to cut dar stick mitey short, and trabble up de railtrack.  Den, bress de good Lord, we knowed yer was comin, but we held our jaw. Byme-by de sogers begun to cut dar stick, too, and dey did trabble! Goramity, ‘pears dey made de dirt fly!  Yah, hah!”

“Why were they scared so bad?

“De sogers didn’t skear um so much as dem black boats.  ‘Kase, yer see, de sogers shot solid balls, and day not mind dem so much; but when dem boats say bo-o-m, dey knowed de rotton balls was comin’ and dey skeeted, quicker’n a streak o’litenin.”

“What rotten balls did the boats throw at them?”

“Don’t yer know?  Why, dem balls dat are bad, dar rotten, flew all to bits – ‘deed does dey – play the very debil wid yer.  No dodgin’ dem ere balls; kase yer donno wher dey fly to – strike yah and fly yandah; dat’s what skeered ‘em so bad!”

“Well, what are you going to do when the war’s over?  Going along?”

“Duno, ‘praps I goes Norf, wid dis crowd.  Pretty much so, I guess.  ‘Peers ter me dis chile had better be movin’.”

– Published in The Davenport Daily Gazette, Davenport, Iowa, Thursday Morning, May 22, 1862, p. 2