Diary of Sarah Morgan: July 5, 1862

Think, that since the 28th of May, I have not walked three squares at a time, for my only walks are to Mrs. Brunot's!

It is enough to kill any one; I might as well be at Ship Island, where Butler has sentenced Mrs. Phillips for laughing while the corpse of a Federal officer¹ was passing — at least, that is to be the principal charge, though I hope, for the sake of Butler's soul, that he had better reasons. Shocking as her conduct was, she hardly deserved two years' close confinement in such a dreadful place as that, because she happened to have no sense of delicacy, and no feeling.

“The darkest hour is just before the day”; we have had the blackest night for almost three months, and I don't see the light yet. “Better days are coming —” I am getting skeptical, I fear me.

I look forward to my future life with a shudder. This one cannot last long; I will be “up and doing” before many months are past. Doing what? Why, if all father left us is lost forever, if we are to be penniless as well as homeless, I’ll work for my living. How, I wonder? I will teach. I know I am not capable, but I can do my best. I would rather die than be dependent; I would rather die than teach. There now, you know how I feel! Teaching before dependence, death before teaching. My soul revolts from the drudgery. I never see a governess that my heart does not ache for her. I think of the nameless, numberless insults and trials she is forced to submit to; of the hopeless, thankless task that is imposed on her, to which she is expected to submit without a murmur; of all her griefs and agony shut up in her heart, and I cry Heaven help a governess. My heart bleeds for them and —

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¹ Note by Mrs. Dawson in 1906: DeKay, our relative.

SOURCE: Sarah Morgan Dawson, A Confederate Girl's Diary, p. 104-5

EDITOR’S NOTE:  The Federal officer in question was Lieutenant George Coleman DeKay (August 24, 1843 – June 27, 1862), son of Comodore George Coleman DeKay & Janet Halleck Drake, and aid to Brigadier-General Thomas R. Williams.  He was a 2nd cousin once removed from Sarah Morgan.