LouisvIlle, March 6, 1864.
. . . I have just returned from the theatre, not at all delighted
with having gone, but the General would go, and I deemed it at least courteous
to go with him . . . I sat with the General and other officers of rank in a
private box, and witnessed the play of Jane Short or the Royal Favorite. During
its performance I was supremely disgusted . . . with the eagerness or
willingness rather, of him we love to say is so modest and unassuming to
acknowledge the notice people are taking of him. In one who had less reputation
for modesty it would be pardonable. Oh, greatness, how dost thou lift up . . .
those whom thou favorest! I feel that to go with them is ascending heights too
far above the level of my plebeian birth; beyond the reach of any influence I
can exert for my country's good. A few short weeks will determine this. And
believe me, dearest, should my sad forebodings be realized, and I can find an
honorable way in which to retire from a service in which my usefulness is
questionable, I shall do so. I write this not from anything that has occurred
between the General and me, for let me assure you, he was never more kind and
mindful of me than now. I had a long talk with him on the subject of General
Wilson's letter, as we came from Nashville, and he agrees with me in every
particular . . .
I talked to him upon the importance of an able and
accomplished corps of staff officers, should he be the recipient of the high
honor in connection with which his name is mentioned, namely, the
Lieutenant-Generalcy, and before we get to Washington I shall assure him of my
readiness to withdraw from his staff in order to enable him to fill my place
with an educated and finished soldier. As Lieutenant-General he will be the
first in military position in the United States, and my military education is
not such as to fit me for his chief of staff, hence it becomes me to withdraw
and allow one who is fitted for it to take the place. True, were I vain enough
I might claim to retain the place, for I have been with him throughout his thus
far brilliant career; have been his stay and support in his darkest hours, and
never I trust his injudicious friend. I have shared with him the hardships of
the camp, borne with him the fatigues of the march, and braved with him the
dangers of battle from the bloody plain of Belmont to the crimson fields of Chattanooga.
In all, to the best of my ability, I have served my country and him; and trust
my beloved wife and children will never blush at the mention of my name. But I
grow dizzy in looking from the eminence he has attained and tremble at the
great responsibility about to devolve upon him.
We leave here in the morning by boat for Cincinnati. . . .
Do not forget me in your prayers, but forget me rather than the cause of my
country to which I have given the best years of my life. . . .
SOURCE: James H. Wilson, The Life of John A. Rawlins,
p. 400-1
